I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
