We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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