I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
