you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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