The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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