Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
