i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
