dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
