I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
