i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
