Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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