I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
