I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
