dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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