Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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