sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
