I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
