Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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