i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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