i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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