It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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