i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
