mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
did i just pee glitter
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
