She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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