We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
