dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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