she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
