i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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