Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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