I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
