my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
