I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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