I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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