I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
