I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
