oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
