Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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