His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize