Pants 0. Shit 1.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
