i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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