I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
