Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
