just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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