I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
