omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Boobs speak an international language.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
