I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize