winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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