yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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