batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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