i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
