i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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