So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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