Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
