this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
