drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
