Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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