last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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