Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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