3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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