We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
