I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
