I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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