You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
