I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
